Xander You ever have that feeling where there's something you know you're supposed to do and you forgot what it was?Anya Nope.Xander I've been having that feeling, I just realized what it was. Like three weeks ago Riley asked me to borrow a crescent wrench. I keep having this feeling like I'm supposed to give it to him.Anya Well, that's not going to happen unless he comes back. You know, not to get the crescent wrench. Just to come back.Xander I just mean, sometimes I sort of forget that he's gone. It's like, "where's Riley? Oh wait, the central republic of Where-in-the-hell."Anya Xander? If you ever decide to go, I want a warning. You know, big flashing red lights, and-and-and one of those clocks that counts down like a bomb in a movie? And there's a whole bunch of, of colored wires, and I'm not sure which is the right one to cut, but I guess the green one, and then at the last second "No! The red one!" and then click, it stops with three-tenths of a second left, but then you don't leave. Like that, okay?Xander Check. Big bomb clock. Come here.
Anya Well, maybe it won't happen to us because it's all about *her* messing things up. She couldn't make it work with Angel, and then she let Riley go away.Xander Yeah, relationship debris is kind of piling up on the Buffy highway.Anya Hmm. Humans make the same mistakes over and over. I saw it when I was a vengeance demon. Some guy dumps a girl, she calls me, I exact vengeance, blah blah blah, the next year, same girl, different guy. I mean, after you smite a few of 'em you start going "my goodness, young lady ... maybe you're doing something wrong here too."Xander I don't think it's a pattern with her. No, it's just ... you know, now that it happened again ... man number two ... I wonder how she's dealing with it.
Buffy So, um, a-about being a nun... you know, um, with the whole ... abjuring the company of men ... you know, how's that working for you? The... abjuring.Nun Um ... good.Buffy Yeah, do you, do you have to be like super-religious?Nun Well, uh...Buffy How's the food?
Giles Truly, Buffy, if I saw an alternative ... if, if the Initiative were still around, I'd consider using them, but... they're gone, and then Riley was, was, uh, the last link we had to the government.Giles Sorry, I didn't mean to....Buffy It's okay. You can say his name. I'm doing all right. These things happen. People break up and they move on ... for a while it feels like the end of the world, you know, but ... big picture...Giles Not so huge.Buffy Not so huge? I just said it feels like the end of the world, don't you listen?Buffy I'm teasing.Giles Oh.Buffy Sort of. I'll be okay.
Tara„I'm envious, Mr. Giles. A trip to England sounds so exciting and exotic. Un...less you're English. “
Willow We can come by between classes! Usually I use that time to copy over my class notes with a system of different colored pens ... but it's been pointed out to me that that's, you know, insane.Tara I said "quirky."
Anya Hello, I work here! I'll take care of everything.Xander Yeah, Anya can do it!Anya Thanks, sweetie. Well said.Giles Um, Anya, while, while I completely trust you uh, uh, to take care of the inventory and the money, um ... dealing with people requires a certain, uh ... finesse.Anya I have finesse! I have finesse coming out of my bottom! I can completely lie to the health inspector. I can, you know, distract him with coy smiles, and, and bribe him with money and goods.Xander See there? She'll be great.Willow Don't worry, Giles. I'll help her take care of everything. It'll be ship-shape. Better, it'll be shop-shape.Anya Xander, she's talking to Giles like I'm not here. Make her stop.Giles Perhaps I'd better call the airline...Willow I'm just trying to help out! Xander, tell her.Giles ...schedule an earlier flight back, excuse me.Anya Tell her that I don't need her help.Xander So, how goes the slaying?Buffy I killed something in a convent last night.Xander In any other room, a frightening declaration. Here, a welcome distraction. Tell us all about the killing, Buff.Buffy Pretty standard. Vampire staking. Ooh! But I met a nun, and she let me try on her wimple.Xander Okay, now we're back to frightening.
Spike„Um ... there's something I got to tell you. About showing you Riley in that place. I didn't mean to ...Anyway, I know you're feeling all betrayed - by him, not me. I was trying to help, you know. Not like I made him be there, after all. Actually trying to help you. Best intentions. I mean, you know, pretty state you'd be in, thinking things are all right while he's toddling halfway round the bend. Oh, I'll insult him if I want to! I'm the one who's on your side! Me! Doing you a favor! And you, being dead petty about it - me, getting nothing but your hatred and your venom and - you ungrateful bitch! Bitch! Buffy ... there's something I wanted to tell you. “
Willow„It's powerful stuff. I tried to use it to de-rat Amy, and it didn't work. But I think it might have made her really smart. She keeps giving me these looks like she's planning something. Rubbing her paws together. “
Anya What are you two doing?Willow Oh, we're gonna try out a few spells.Tara There's this thing you can do where you create light, and we thought, what if you could make, like, simulated sunlight?Willow Yeah, so then, you know, there Buffy is, middle of the night, and she finds this whole nest of vamps, a-and then she just goes, "Presto!"Tara Only it won't be "presto" exactly.Willow And, and voom! There's a, a floating ball of sunlight. Vamps get dusty.Tara You don't wanna look right at it, though.Anya That's swell, but you can't use this stuff. Giles has only been gone two days and you're already causing trouble. You shouldn't do things while he's gone.Willow You're the fish!Anya What?Willow The, the fish in the bowl, in "The Cat in the Hat." He was always saying that the cat shouldn't be there while the mother was out.Anya What are you talking about?Tara It's a book. This cat does all this mischief.Willow It's so cute. He balances a bunch of stuff, including that fish in the bowl! A-and, but don't try it for real when you're six, because then you're not allowed to have fish for five years.Anya You're referencing literature I have no way to be familiar with. You're trying to make me feel left out, and you're stealing!Willow I'm not stealing. I-I'm just taking things without paying for th... In what twisted dictionary is that stealing?Tara Willow, maybe we should just pay.Willow Anya, Giles would be totally fine with this. Come on, it'll be fun. We could show you how to do some stuff! You could be floatin' pencils by the end of the day.Anya Sometimes I miss having powers. Oh. Oh! I know what this is! This is peer pressure! Any second now you're gonna make me smoke tobacco and, and have drugs.Willow Look how easy.
Anya„Hey! Don't float the merchandise! “
Xander Hey, look at this, my two favorite girls! Three favorite girls.Anya Xander, Willow's stealing. She's a burglar.Willow Right, the cunning, broad daylight in front of everyone burglar. Xander, I'm just doing a spell to help Buffy.
Anya Xander, Giles left me in charge. Tell her.Xander Hey, hey, Judge Xander requesting a recess here.Tara You really shouldn't pull him into this.Xander Yeah, see? Tara's with me. Protect me, Tara.
Anya The cash register! What did you do with the cash register? Dear god!Willow I'll fix it, I'll fix it! Recursat.Willow There, all back. Good as new.Anya Money. Did you hurt the money? Money good? She endangered the money!Willow Of course, that's what she cares about. "I like money better than people. People can so rarely be exchanged for goods and/or services."Anya Xander, she's pretending to be me!Willow Well, can you even believe how she's acting?
Anya Did you start yet?Willow Shh, no! This is it.Willow Spirits of light, I invoke thee. Let the gloom of darkness part before you.Willow Let the moonlight be made pale by your presence. Spirits-Anya Is it done?Willow Shh!!!Willow Spirits of light, grant my wishes.Anya Sorry, I thought you were done.Willow Do you *wanna* screw this up?Anya No. No. I'm sure you can do that all on your own.Willow Hey Anya, whatever really has you mad, why don't you just say it, like you do every other thought that stomps through your brain?Anya I believe I have said it.Willow No. You haven't. Come on. Let it out!
Willow„He's not a ball of sunshine. “
Buffy New semester, new classes. Whole new vistas of knowledge to be confused and intimidated by.Tara I think this one's gonna be kind of fun. Greek Art's gonna touch on so many things -- mythology, history, philosophy...Buffy The professor spit too much when he talked. It was like being at Sea World. "The first five rows will get wet."Tara That was just, you know, um, enthusiasm.Buffy It seemed very much like saliva.Tara We'll sit farther back next time.Buffy Good plan. I need to keep this course. The only other thing that fits into my schedule is Central American Geopolitics.Tara Hmm.Buffy And no, thank you. I even hear the word jungle, all I can think of is him. You know, "is that the one Riley's in?" Really don't need a daily 2:00 knife in the heart.Tara Is it that bad?Buffy Sort of. But I'm starting to get perspective on the whole situation. You know, maybe Riley's ... where he's supposed to be. You know, maybe he needed ... to be where he was needed.Tara Willow says that things always happen for a reason.Buffy But you ever notice people only say that about bad things? But not for me the furrowed brow. What do you say we go pick up Willow and indulge ourselves in a little after-school hamburger?Tara I guess we could. She might still be at the magic shop. I was there earlier, and she and Anya kinda got in this little squabble ... Xander and I sort of cleared out, he was pretty upset.Buffy Anya and, and Xander are in trouble?Tara Oh! No, I-I said that all wrong. It was nothing. Willow and Anya were sort of fighting, and then Xander kind of snapped at both of them and he left.Buffy He left? Xander left Anya?Tara Ummm ... no, not "left her" left her, he just left. It was only a little thing, it-Buffy Little thing? See, the thing is, the ... little things get bigger, you know, and, and, and, and, if you don't catch the little thing and then, boom! You have this, this, this whole huge thing!Tara Oh dear.Buffy Not, not, not them with the little things! They can't break up!Tara Oh, I think-Buffy They have a beautiful love.Tara I think they'll be fine.Buffy They have a miraculous love!Tara What?Buffy A miraculous love!
Anya There, that parked car! We're still on his trail.Willow I don't even get how we made that guy, because, wow, advanced!Anya No one made him. He must have been trapped in that crystal, and you released him.Willow *I* released him? No, this was definitely a "we" thing. Or, or a "you" thing! I-it definite feels like a you thing.Anya Look, just find the reversal spell. And hurry! Look what he did to that lamppost!Willow I'm trying. Put the top up, the pages are all blowy!Anya Well, I don't know how to put the top up, I only just figured out what the left pedal does. It makes us stop!Willow You don't know how to drive? Why didn't you say you don't know how to drive?Anya Well, I couldn't know if I could until I tried, could I?Willow This is very, very bad. There, there's an ogre on the loose-Anya Troll.Willow What?Anya Troll on the loose. Now hold on, I'm gonna press the right pedal harder. I expect us to accelerate.Willow There's a troll on the loose, and you're gonna crash Giles' car!Anya It's likely. We're going very fast. You should have listened to me and not done the spell. Giles put me in charge.Willow Giles can be an idiot. The smart kind, but still.Anya Xander agreed.Willow Oh, right. Xander doesn't step out of line.Anya Well, what do you mean by that?Willow Nothing.Anya Find that spell quickly!Willow Whoa, that's gone.
Spike Hey, watch it. Oh, it's you.Xander Spike, don't let me stop you from not being here.Spike I was here first, you know.Xander Uh-huh. Go away.
Spike„Now why would I do that, when it's bugging you so much having me here? “
Spike They have chicken wings too. Also a sort of a flower-shaped thing they make from an onion. It's brilliant.Xander Are you talking to me hoping that I'll get so depressed that I'll impale myself on a fork right in front of you?Spike Lovely thought. If I don't hurt you myself, the chip wouldn't zap me. I could eat you that way. Beat the onion thing all to hell.
Xander Hey! Those are mine.Spike My, my. Someone's in a temper. This all sympathetic misery borrowed from the Slayer?Xander What? No, nothing to do with Buffy.Spike So she's all right then. Not, uh ... holding grudges.Xander What are you talking about? What does Buffy have to do with anything? What grudges?Spike Oh, yeah. Okay. No need to talk about her then. I'm sure she's merrily slaying some pals of mine, having a grand old time.
O
Olaf„Rrrah! You do well to flee, townspeople! I will pillage your lands and dwellings! I will burn your crops and make merry sport with your more attractive daughters! Ha ha ha! Mark my words! “
O
Olaf„Ooh! Ale! I smell delicious ale! “
Xander And they get in these fights, and they're both looking at me like I'm the referee. Also, sometimes I'll say something about Anya, and Willow'll get this look, this, um, "what the hell do you see in her" look.Spike I know that look. Lot of people never really got Dru, you know.Xander Well, she was insane. Then it's like, well, I get all torn. Because, Willow's my best friend and I really value her opinion, but, uh, Anya's my girlfriend, you know?Spike Hmm. What does the Slayer think of all this ... friction in the ranks? Can't be good for morale.Xander I don't know.Spike She's a little ... preoccupied, maybe. It's understandable what with all the upset, all the blaming of innocent bystanders who got caught up in the mess.Xander What?Spike I mean, did she *want* to be made a fool of? And, what does a person have to do to make it right? Hey, watch it, mate. On second thought, do what you like.
Xander„So, uh ... think I should run and get Buffy? “
O
Olaf„Barmaid! Bring me stronger ale, and some plump, succulent babies to eat. “
Xander I'm gonna run and get Buffy. Or maybe you could fight him.Spike Yeah, I could do that, but I'm paralyzed with not caring very much.Olaf You there! Do you know where there are babies?Spike What do you think, the hospital?Xander What? Shut up! Um ... listen...Olaf I find myself very hungry. And when I'm hungry I grow short of patience.Xander Well, we can take care of the hungry, so how's about you just sit down in one of the ... sturdier chairs, and we can ... have a calm talk and something to eat.Olaf Can it be babies?Xander Well, not so much.Olaf Oh.Xander But maybe ... some roast pigs, and ... stags, and ... much hearty grog.Spike They've got this onion thing...Olaf You cannot appease me! Do not try! More ale!
Anya Xander! You shouldn't be here. There's a troll.Xander Uh, a big guy? Hammer? I think I noticed him.
Willow I wish Buffy was here.Buffy I'm here.Willow I wish I had a million dollars. Just checking.
Anya Willow stole ingredients and released him from a purple crystal. He's a troll.Buffy You did this?Willow Me? No, we. I mean, us. Uh, her. It's very complex.Anya Well, we can stop him. Willow, do the spell.Willow Uh, let the conjuring be-Olaf Stop!Willow Nobody lets me finish!Olaf You ... told the witch to do that, Anyanka. You seem determined to put an end to all my fun. Just like you always did when we were dating!
Buffy What are you doing?Spike Making this woman more comfortable. I'm not sampling, I'll have you know. Just look at all these lovely blood-covered people. I could, but not a taste for Spike, not a lick. Know you wouldn't like it.Buffy You want credit for not feeding on bleeding disaster victims?Spike Well, yeah.Buffy You're disgusting.Spike What's it take?
Anya In case we need 'em, I'm getting more of all the things you stole.Willow I didn't - why do you do that?Anya What?Willow You're so rude! I mean, sure, at first, ex-demon, doesn't know the rules. Well, you been here forever. Learn the rules.Anya Rules are stupid.Willow Great, whatever. I just thought you might be interested in learning to act more human. Some of us enjoy it. Oh, look for, uh, spells with dimensional portals too.Anya I *am* a human. And there are ... many humans who are stranger than me.Willow Uh-huh, but, unless I'm really wrong about crazy Larry down at the bus stop, he's probably not gonna turn Xander into a troll.Anya Well, now, that's a very complicated proced... Oh. You think I'm gonna hurt Xander? I would *never* hurt Xander! You really think I would do that!Willow Anya, it's what you do. You spent what, a thousand years hurting men? You got your "thousand years of hurting men" gold watch.Anya I was a demon then, and, and I don't even have any powers now! Is this the spell? (holds a book up)Willow Only if you want him to double in size, and grow extra arms, which ... let's not. A-and by the way, you weren't a demon when you turned Olaf into Lord of the Hammers. You managed that. Also, there's ... other ways to hurt Xander.Anya I don't do magic now. You're the one with that kind of power. In fact, D'Hoffryn offered you my old job. You're closer to being a vengeance demon than I am, maybe Xander should be afraid of you.Willow Xander's my best friend!Anya Oh, and you don't want anyone else to have him. I know what broke up him and Cordelia, you know. It was you! And your lips!Willow No it was not! Well, yes it was so, but ... that was a long time ago. Do you think I'd do that again?Anya Why not?Willow Well, hello, gay now.Anya But you're always doing everything you can to, to point out how much I'm an outsider. You've known him since you were squalling infants together. You'll always know him better than I do. You could sweep in and, and poison his mind against me.Willow You're insane! I am not gonna take him away and I am not gonna hurt him.Anya Well, I'm not either!
Willow„Well, hello, gay now. “
O
Olaf„You fight well, although you are a tiny man. I shall reward you. Only one of your women shall die, and you shall be the one to choose. “
Willow Did he just say-Olaf Ha ha. Choose! Anyanka or the witch. One of your women must die.
Xander No. You are one crazy troll, I ... I'm not choosing between my girlfriend and my best friend. That's insane troll logic.Anya Go Xander. I love you.Olaf Good for you. You are a loyal man.
Willow Xander!Olaf Now. Choose!Anya Olaf, no!Xander I'm not choosing.Olaf Then you shall be the one who dies.Anya No! Choose me! Just don't take him! Don't take Xander!
Willow„E conspectu abeat monstrum. Damn. “
Anya How can I help?Willow Uh, distract him from Buffy, uh, piss him off.Anya I don't know how.Willow Anya, I have faith in you. There is no one you cannot piss off.
O
Olaf„Desist! My god, woman, it's been a thousand years, and yet you are as aggravating and emasculating as ever you were. “
Anya Hey, good job.Willow You too, very irritating.
O
Olaf„What are you fighting for, minuscule blonde one? Your friends? These two? They will never last. Anyanka is very difficult to live with, and he... he's ludicrous and far too breakable. Their love will never last. “
Xander You really dated him?Anya Yes.Xander But you like me better, right?Anya Yes! Oh, and Willow likes you too, but not in a sexy way, you know, 'cause she's gay. And she's not gonna try to break us up, so, you know, it's all okay.
Buffy„Their love... will last ... forever! “
Willow Let the transposition be complete.Buffy Where did you send him?Anya The land of the trolls. He'll like it there. Full of trolls.Willow It's hard to be precise, though. Alternate universes don't stay put. Trying to send him to a specific place is sort of like ... like ... trying to hit a ... puppy, by throwing a live bee at it. Which is a weird image, and you should all just forget it.Anya It's possible that he's in the land of perpetual Wednesday ... or the crazy melty land ... or, you know, the world without shrimp.Tara There's a world without shrimp? I'm allergic.Willow He, he's probably in troll land.Buffy I only care that he's not here, and I got this nifty souvenir.Oops
Giles I cringe to think what the place would have looked like if I'd been away for longer than three days.Buffy Well, maybe we would have had time to clean it up. You know, if Willow used some magicks to help.Giles Yes, 'cause nothing could possibly go wrong with that.Joyce Rupert, I still don't understand - oh, thank you - why the other Watchers made you go all the way to England when they don't know anything.Giles Well, they don't know it ... yet. I mean, they have no record of, of Glory or anyone like her, but, uh, based on the information that I've given them, they're gonna look into it. Um, they might have something soon.Buffy What about the key? Were they all over it?Giles Yes. You, you know all of this?Joyce I got some of it myself, Buffy told me the rest.Giles Well, they're interested, certainly, and, uh, full of theories. Most of them ... nonsensical.Buffy They don't know that it's Dawn.Giles No.Joyce I still can't begin to grasp this. I mean, she's my little girl, I...Giles It is disorienting.Buffy Giles, what happens if they figure it out? What would they do?Giles I don't know.Joyce Oh, I can't even think about this. It's too ... I'll get some more milk.
Xander You ever have that feeling where there's something you know you're supposed to do and you forgot what it was?Anya Nope.Xander I've been having that feeling, I just realized what it was. Like three weeks ago Riley asked me to borrow a crescent wrench. I keep having this feeling like I'm supposed to give it to him.Anya Well, that's not going to happen unless he comes back. You know, not to get the crescent wrench. Just to come back.Xander I just mean, sometimes I sort of forget that he's gone. It's like, "where's Riley? Oh wait, the central republic of Where-in-the-hell."Anya Xander? If you ever decide to go, I want a warning. You know, big flashing red lights, and-and-and one of those clocks that counts down like a bomb in a movie? And there's a whole bunch of, of colored wires, and I'm not sure which is the right one to cut, but I guess the green one, and then at the last second "No! The red one!" and then click, it stops with three-tenths of a second left, but then you don't leave. Like that, okay?Xander Check. Big bomb clock. Come here.
Anya Well, maybe it won't happen to us because it's all about *her* messing things up. She couldn't make it work with Angel, and then she let Riley go away.Xander Yeah, relationship debris is kind of piling up on the Buffy highway.Anya Hmm. Humans make the same mistakes over and over. I saw it when I was a vengeance demon. Some guy dumps a girl, she calls me, I exact vengeance, blah blah blah, the next year, same girl, different guy. I mean, after you smite a few of 'em you start going "my goodness, young lady ... maybe you're doing something wrong here too."Xander I don't think it's a pattern with her. No, it's just ... you know, now that it happened again ... man number two ... I wonder how she's dealing with it.
Buffy So, um, a-about being a nun... you know, um, with the whole ... abjuring the company of men ... you know, how's that working for you? The... abjuring.Nun Um ... good.Buffy Yeah, do you, do you have to be like super-religious?Nun Well, uh...Buffy How's the food?
Giles Truly, Buffy, if I saw an alternative ... if, if the Initiative were still around, I'd consider using them, but... they're gone, and then Riley was, was, uh, the last link we had to the government.Giles Sorry, I didn't mean to....Buffy It's okay. You can say his name. I'm doing all right. These things happen. People break up and they move on ... for a while it feels like the end of the world, you know, but ... big picture...Giles Not so huge.Buffy Not so huge? I just said it feels like the end of the world, don't you listen?Buffy I'm teasing.Giles Oh.Buffy Sort of. I'll be okay.
Tara„I'm envious, Mr. Giles. A trip to England sounds so exciting and exotic. Un...less you're English. “
Willow We can come by between classes! Usually I use that time to copy over my class notes with a system of different colored pens ... but it's been pointed out to me that that's, you know, insane.Tara I said "quirky."
Spike„Um ... there's something I got to tell you. About showing you Riley in that place. I didn't mean to ...Anyway, I know you're feeling all betrayed - by him, not me. I was trying to help, you know. Not like I made him be there, after all. Actually trying to help you. Best intentions. I mean, you know, pretty state you'd be in, thinking things are all right while he's toddling halfway round the bend. Oh, I'll insult him if I want to! I'm the one who's on your side! Me! Doing you a favor! And you, being dead petty about it - me, getting nothing but your hatred and your venom and - you ungrateful bitch! Bitch! Buffy ... there's something I wanted to tell you. “